Some children are more challenging than others, and many parents struggle with feelings of frustration when their once easy-going child suddenly turns into a whirlwind of tantrums, defiance, and unpredictable behavior. From giving up early naps to refusing to settle down at night, transitioning from learning to walk to climbing kitchen tables, and rushing toward hot stoves—these behaviors can be overwhelming. If techniques like positive reinforcement, such as sticker charts, don’t seem to work, it may feel impossible to stay calm and composed. The key, as recommended by experts, is patience and consistency. Here's what psychologists and specialists suggest for navigating these tricky moments.
Understand That No Two Children Are the Same
Anyone with more than one child knows that siblings can live under the same roof with the same rules, but they each have their own personalities and temperaments. You’ll never be the same parent twice. According to Dr. Berry Klass, MD, co-author of "Strange Children", "Some parents face much more challenging tasks than others. If you have a child with a more challenging temperament, the truth is, you may not enjoy the everyday parenting experience as much as you'd like."
It's completely understandable to feel frustrated when it seems like handling your child is much more difficult than managing all of your friend's three kids combined. You might even feel upset when strangers or family members unfairly judge you. You have one of the toughest tasks: surviving your child's challenging stages without losing your sense of self or sanity.
Psychologist Jerome Kagan of Harvard University has researched this, finding that a child’s temperament at birth is a good indicator of their behavior in adolescence. Studies have shown that 40% of children are calm by nature, unaffected by stimuli like noise or light, and tend to remain calm as they grow. However, up to 15-20% of children are born with a more "reactive" temperament—these children are harder to soothe and may be perceived by others as "difficult."
Parenting Does Matter
If you have a "difficult" child, does that mean things will always be tough for both of you in the future? Absolutely not. While nature versus nurture remains a debate, it’s clear that good parenting can help shape a child’s coping skills over time. In other words, while “good” parenting alone may not always be enough, children with more challenging temperaments can greatly benefit from structured, consistent, and thoughtful parenting.
Raising a more difficult child also impacts the dynamics with other siblings. It may feel like your difficult child requires more attention, which can make siblings feel sidelined. Even though children may seem to accept this arrangement, it's important to actively work on strengthening sibling bonds and allow the easier child to make decisions at times. It’s also crucial to have coping strategies for yourself during the tough days, and connecting with other parents going through the same thing can be incredibly helpful.
Making Concessions
Some things are simply too difficult for your challenging child to handle, and others they just don’t want to do. For instance, attending a busy concert might seem like an overwhelming experience—everything they dislike, from costumes to crowded spaces, could make it a nightmare. In such cases, balancing the pressure you put on your child with their level of distress is key. You might agree to some compromises, like letting them wear a soft polo shirt instead of a stiff, button-down shirt, in exchange for them attending the event.
Minimize Family Friction
Use strategies to reduce the impact of your child’s disruptive behavior on the family. For example, when dining out, have them sit at the end of the table where they can easily leave to go to the restroom or ask for additional napkins. These little adjustments can help keep the peace. When you understand the reasons behind your child’s behavior, it can be helpful to remind yourself that they’re not acting out intentionally—they’re simply going through a tough time. Remembering this can change your reaction and often is the only thing you can control in the situation.
Parenting Shapes Your Own Personality
Raising a more challenging child will not only affect your parenting style but also influence your own personality. Research has shown that children with more emotional difficulties respond best to an empathetic yet structured and consistent approach. Your child may seek comfort when facing difficulties, needing reassurance and even physical affection. On those challenging days, staying positive is tough, but reminding yourself that your child’s struggles require routine, flexibility, and advance planning can help ease the burden.
Your Child’s Resilience
It’s normal to have moments where you regret how you’ve reacted to your child’s behavior. The encouraging news is that children are incredibly resilient and, most importantly, they still love us. One of the wonderful aspects of life with small children is that they wake up every day with a fresh start. They teach us patience and understanding, which we may not have developed otherwise.
Raising two very different children will likely make you more empathetic and patient over time. Parenting is a long-term commitment with plenty of support along the way. Don’t judge others too harshly; when you see a child acting out, offer a smile to the mother—it's comforting to know she's not alone.
Conclusion
Raising a challenging child can be one of the most difficult experiences a parent can face, but it can also be one of the most rewarding. With patience, consistency, and a little empathy, you can navigate these stages and come out stronger. Remember, your child is still growing and developing, and their resilience, along with your own, will ultimately see both of you through the tough times.
Note: Always consult with a professional before trying any new parenting techniques or methods.
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